Monday, November 07, 2005

Ten ton polar bear

Psychologists have applied themselves to one of the big questions in life: what makes a good chat up line?

The article in the Independent on Sunday made excruciating reading. I feel really quite relieved that men don't try to chat me up – it's enough to put me off the lot of you for life.

I once broached the subject with male friends at uni. My friend and I, who aren't totally unattractive (we're not quite the back end of buses), were never approached by men when we were out. We put it down to the fact that we were always with a group of lads. They put us straight. T and I had 'f**k off vibes'. People were too scared to walk up to us. Laugh, we almost cried. I now realise we had a lucky escape.

The lines with the best chance of succeeding are apparently those 'reflecting the man's ability to take control of the situation, his wealth, education or culture, and spontaneous wit'.

These are the best of the lot (allegedly). My responses are in italics.

'It's hot today isn't it? It's the best weather when you're training for a marathon'. Which one? My boyfriend has run over 50 including a 24 hour race. How many have you done (liar)?

'The Moonlight Sonata or, to give it it's true name, Sonata quasi una fantasia. A fittingly beautiful piece for a beautiful lady'. I can play it on the piano. Name the language, the composer and then piss off.

'I'm sorry but I think you owe me a drink. I just looked at you and dropped mine!' More fool you.

Can you boys do any better?

22 comments:

Che-Jay said...

mine would be:

can you drive?

yes (she says)

Well back onto this luv!

(oh the shame!)

ems said...

I wish I had never asked.

Shep said...

"I bet I can outdrink you!"

Oh hang on that never worked.

I prefer the chat-up line to simply evolve over ideally a 2-3 year period of what I think is subtle flirtation but in their eyes is annoyance and borderline stalking.

Then I sulk for another year or two until a different girl (always mad)unexpectedly gets off with me.

Rinse and repeat.

Che-Jay said...

Do you like jewelry?

(woman) yes!!

suck this - it's a gem !

(another corker!!)

ems said...

(Head in hands) Jay, I'm at crisis point. Please tell me no-one has ever fallen for these lines.

Shep - your line is much more to my liking but cannot drink nearly as much as I used to. Evolution is good.

Shep said...

Re-reading the post Em...I have to say that by writing "I feel really quite relieved that men don't try to chat me up..." I just can't help but feel some hidden regret behind the words...

Like me saying "I'm glad no-one says how handsome, slim and attractive I am...that'd be awful *sigh*"

ems said...

No hidden regrets, Shep. I love male company and the majority of my friends are boys. I also get lots of attention and praise from C. and my staff (I'm a well-liked boss). I really can do without the sleazy chat up lines.

Shep said...

You're a better person than I am - I need constant praise and attention from everyone. Like most boys!

pat said...

well the marathon one obviously worked on you!!

the one line that always made me smile, but never worked (i never used it)was:
do you spit or do you swallow?

i used to have a mate, the (in)famous monty, once said if you ask do you want to fuck, 9 times out of 10 you will get a slap but that one time.....
it was this that help secure him a legendary position in the history of northolt.

only to be matched by mayday of beckton who once told me he got 14 knockbacks when he was out clubbing the night before.
i only had admiration for him that he could get back up and go and try again and again.
talk about tilting at windmills.

the line i often think i should use is: fancy using my face as a cushion?

but given i rarely talk to strangers (even the cute east europeans girls who occassionally approach me at gigs...) the use of the line has not occurred

Che-Jay said...

man looking at a woman's chest.

'If those two puppies are for sale - I'll have the one with the pink nose'

Che-Jay said...

Is your name Gillette? ...because you're the best a man can get.

Che-Jay said...

You stole my heart. But that's okay; I have another one at home in the fridge.

Che-Jay said...

Do you have a mirror in your pocket? (Why?) 'Cause I could see myself in your pants.

Che-Jay said...

I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day

Che-Jay said...

Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.

Che-Jay said...

You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?

Che-Jay said...

I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher: have you seen one?

Che-Jay said...

I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.

Che-Jay said...

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag

Che-Jay said...

Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?

Che-Jay said...

I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.

Che-Jay said...

(Lick finger and wipe on her blouse) Let's get you out of these wet clothes